He's my price to pay

I can't describe the hurt that i feel
There is no exact words i could think of
With this suffering i bear
I wonder how worst my past life was...
Maybe i was an unforgivable sinner then?
That i deserve this excruciating ordain
The pain of loving this man..
Why is there pain to begin with?
When as we know love is feeling of euphoria?
I know... only to those who feel it rightfully
To someone who deserves to be happy...

I envy them but i loathe them as well
Why, why is it only them?
Don't i deserve to be loved?
Don't i deserve to be happy?
Do i only deserve those broken promises..
The never ending tears of pain?
Maybe it was all my fault
I was too careless, too naive
I just let go of my feelings so easy
Never thinking of the outcome
But, was it bad to declare my emotions?

I am trying to get up
But the pain is too heavy...
How i wish i could move on
The sooner i could see the clearing
The lighter my way will be
But i am never giving up
For he alone is my eternity
Loving him is my price to pay

painful ramblings...

i love you so much but now that you're gone i can't get a hold of myself. i break down and cry when someone mentions you're name, and every waking moment is haunted by memories of u, my nights and dreams are plagued by you're voice and our happiness... i wonder if that never would've happened... would we be together and carry on w/ our plans for the future? would you be here beside me now? as much i want to hope, i know you're not coming back... you wont even remember me..... i love u so much each days getting too much harder...

Fate...

as this clouded fragile heart
not knowing where to stand
enduring love, confusion, rejection
amist all sorrows he has inflicted
still she hopes for a promising tomorrow
trying to be strong in the dark
she is battling her relentless pride
begging, hoping for a better forever
the true meaning, a reason for living
the fate to be back in his loving arms...

I'm so down.. god bless my broken road

I understand what it takes to get hurt, but again and again it seems that i welcome it no matter how i keep telling myself to fight and face it heads up...but i was wondering how am i going to do that?? Thinking way past, it seems that i have been crying all the while, every time i get an opening of becoming free and happy again, there he comes stirring up my life again making promises, giving me false hopes. I just never learn...i ignore my friends advices not that they're wrong but the fact that if i do listen, its myself that i will betray only to welcome again another painful truth. I question my self why things like this happens to me? Life is mocking me like i have sinned like no other. I just want to be happy but all i got is rejection and misery. Was it wrong that I only fell for a single person let alone that person was my ultimate pain that i can never give up? I never felt so alone in my life right now. I'm tired, helpless but i'm so desperate, all i am after is to be happy. Writing this and reading it as if it wasn't me makes me hate the character. It was wrong i know, but i also realize that loving and hurting is two contradicting affection but one can never understand love unless never hurt. I want to move on, start anew and still hoping that one day he will come back? Every long lost dreams, every painful deceptions, every shattered memories, every broken promises leads me to this narrow way. Still he's like a guiding star that i follow a dark bumpy way. I don't know what awaits me in the end so i just pray to God, please bless my broken road.