He's my price to pay

I can't describe the hurt that i feel
There is no exact words i could think of
With this suffering i bear
I wonder how worst my past life was...
Maybe i was an unforgivable sinner then?
That i deserve this excruciating ordain
The pain of loving this man..
Why is there pain to begin with?
When as we know love is feeling of euphoria?
I know... only to those who feel it rightfully
To someone who deserves to be happy...

I envy them but i loathe them as well
Why, why is it only them?
Don't i deserve to be loved?
Don't i deserve to be happy?
Do i only deserve those broken promises..
The never ending tears of pain?
Maybe it was all my fault
I was too careless, too naive
I just let go of my feelings so easy
Never thinking of the outcome
But, was it bad to declare my emotions?

I am trying to get up
But the pain is too heavy...
How i wish i could move on
The sooner i could see the clearing
The lighter my way will be
But i am never giving up
For he alone is my eternity
Loving him is my price to pay

painful ramblings...

i love you so much but now that you're gone i can't get a hold of myself. i break down and cry when someone mentions you're name, and every waking moment is haunted by memories of u, my nights and dreams are plagued by you're voice and our happiness... i wonder if that never would've happened... would we be together and carry on w/ our plans for the future? would you be here beside me now? as much i want to hope, i know you're not coming back... you wont even remember me..... i love u so much each days getting too much harder...

Fate...

as this clouded fragile heart
not knowing where to stand
enduring love, confusion, rejection
amist all sorrows he has inflicted
still she hopes for a promising tomorrow
trying to be strong in the dark
she is battling her relentless pride
begging, hoping for a better forever
the true meaning, a reason for living
the fate to be back in his loving arms...

I'm so down.. god bless my broken road

I understand what it takes to get hurt, but again and again it seems that i welcome it no matter how i keep telling myself to fight and face it heads up...but i was wondering how am i going to do that?? Thinking way past, it seems that i have been crying all the while, every time i get an opening of becoming free and happy again, there he comes stirring up my life again making promises, giving me false hopes. I just never learn...i ignore my friends advices not that they're wrong but the fact that if i do listen, its myself that i will betray only to welcome again another painful truth. I question my self why things like this happens to me? Life is mocking me like i have sinned like no other. I just want to be happy but all i got is rejection and misery. Was it wrong that I only fell for a single person let alone that person was my ultimate pain that i can never give up? I never felt so alone in my life right now. I'm tired, helpless but i'm so desperate, all i am after is to be happy. Writing this and reading it as if it wasn't me makes me hate the character. It was wrong i know, but i also realize that loving and hurting is two contradicting affection but one can never understand love unless never hurt. I want to move on, start anew and still hoping that one day he will come back? Every long lost dreams, every painful deceptions, every shattered memories, every broken promises leads me to this narrow way. Still he's like a guiding star that i follow a dark bumpy way. I don't know what awaits me in the end so i just pray to God, please bless my broken road.

Then and now... beer to ice tea? :)

Time really flies so fast... Five years ago my friends and i used to hang-out in those bars and resto's till dawn, them drinking beer while me have my ice tea or...my cali light and coffee till dawn after! Well, last night was like a reunion, we meet up. It's been a while, everyone has stories to tell from countries where they've been to. We reminisce the old times, talk about the funny stuff only to realize that we are really aging...:) We use to think and choose for the trendiest bars and resto's to hang out but now, we just wanted to stuffed our hungry belly. The "then" beer drinking session now end up with a large drink of ice ice cold Icetea! We drove at 2AM MOA(Mall of Asia) to Makati to find for open coffee shops but unfortunately there's none! Oh there's one left! :( We found Whistlestop! But the funny part is, my friends didn't drink coffee in because the shop didn't serve decaffe!(and someone's complainin' w/ that?) so they choose large glasses of ice tead!, except me who wants a strong coffee and so i ended up awake till morning! Ha! So much for the coffeshop hunt!

The Same You

baby i missed you...
but that's all i can do
i wanted to talk to you
but i can never reach you

another night i made my way through
but wokeup today thinking of you
i can still feel every inch of pain
every piece of me screams in vain

i thought we are okay
but it's just a make believe
once again you hurt me
crushed me till i hit the ground

if only you can hear me...
let's say even if you do
you'll just walk away i know
just like the same old way you do..

When will this river of tears stop fallin'
Where can I run so I won't feel alone
Can't walk away when the pain keeps callin'
I've just gotta take it from here on my own
But it's so hard to let go

Just thinking of you....

it's midnight, then it will my tomorrow
still hoping that i will hear from you
waiting... and still keep on waiting...
honey where are you...?

Only to weep in silence...

Now I know your not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true
Cause now even I can tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
When there was really no me and you

Here I Go Again..

My head is spinning, i feel none
Morning sun doesn't even matter
Staring at the ceiling blankly
Until my eyes gets blurry

I know this feeling....
Here i go again, and again
Isn't it the funniest?
When you weep for your dearest?

He may never seem to see
He may never seem to feel
That i am weeping for him silently
And still right here loving
Caring, longing for his love eternally

Was it forgotten by time?
Ah..the never ending promises
The laughters, the happiness
Is now a bitter sweet memory

Down into deep i go falling
Sorrows, pains, tears, here i go again
I just want to sleep and dream of him
Never to wakeup for he's their in my reality

Missing and Wishing for You....

It's September...my most anticipated month in my whole life. I woke up lightheaded from a sleepless night... All along i thought my wait is over and i will be with my Schatje but things just dont come as we wanted them to be. Something came up, something unforseen and I'm sad... but what to do? yes, to hope and to pray. As i looked blank, i feel something warm in my face...well...I cant help but cry... NO, i will be strong, i will think positive. Think... think... i close my eyes then wish and hope for that one quiet sweet morning to come, that i will wake up looking through his beautiful loving eyes, touching his sweet face in the palm of my hands and be held in his strong arms with a great big smile of Happiness!

Back and Here to Stay

Hello blogworld! It's been a while since i'm back to post to the world. I'm back with a new perspective in life. No more emo moments hehehe... I am here.. and i'm here to stay!

Happy Halloween folks!!!

Hard Habit to Break...

Get this widget | Track details | eSnips Social DNA

Sounds familiar? hmmm..maybe yes or maybe not but one thing is for sure, i can't believe myself listening to this song by "chicago" lately which i hardly knew ever existed before. I'm kinda mellow dramatic these days and torturing myself listening to our songs and those sad sad songs...geeze.. i'm girl!!!.

I think it's true when someone is inlove they tend to listen to love songs etcetera, etcetera but when someone is broken hearted well what do you expect? (i'm in the later staTe by the way =)) To wallow is definitely the only option, perhaps boxes of tissue, crying times at night, bulging eyes for several days, shopping for nothing, ice cream to mellow the mood so on and so forth... oh and did i mention that it's the best way to lose weight? I had an irregular schedule at the gym for weeks (sweat out my frustrations)! *lol* Damn!, despite of those stupidity being done but not forgotten by yours truly, still at the end of the day i can't help but miss that jerk and think of those "moments" then wish for the could've been and could've been not....

Anyhow, i've had my fair share about love but well, no matter what past is past and my life must go on with or without him!

Never to love again...

poemby: nievamarie

I was taking life so sweetly
Loneliness doesn't even bother me
Then came you and stir my fine world
I never ask you for anything
But you offer unconditional love

I was appalled and touched
With your talks and sweet words
Not so long before i realize
That you fill my empty heart

Each moment was so perfect
You're my everything, my life
Praying to heavens for a future
With each other we both hold

But One day i was all shattered
After all those dreams and promises
I am now alone crying, drowning in pain
That i've wished not to breath again

Why did you left me so sudden?

So much hurt and so much pain
I felt my world is caving in
Lonely and broken hearted
I swear and promised to myself

Never ever to love again...

"Goodbye To You" by Michelle Branch

Sometimes life isn't fair, you try to be true but all the while what you believe in is a big lie...(this song says it all)


Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

[Chorus:]
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you, But I'm not giving in this time

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

It's like midnight learning AutoCad!

Well yes, I am a miserable trying hard who wants to learn AutoCad Application so I try to enroll in some weekend classes. Where do I get this idea? Well a friend of mine told me that it's in demand in Dubai so without thingking twice considering that it can add to my skill in preparing for my plans to work abroad I took the plunged. I thought it's just easy (maling akala), to add up, it's been a while since i went back to school, almost a year now after my medical transcription course (which i endup not using anyway... wala lang..).

My classes started last Sunday, to my horrendous surprise ang hirap pala! I don't know a thing about the odds of engineering field so i feel totally "clueless". What do you expect, i'm a Com-Sci grad, trying to squeeze my self in to the most complicated field of all time, engineering! (grrr..). Darn! drafting, geometry, numbers, analization, drawing etc.is just not my cup of tea!!! God help me, what have i done! *LOL* This is crazy, i should have thought first before jumping into this mess. Anyhow, how i wish i will finish this course and learn something! Nope, i don't want to drop, i've already paid for it! (sayang naman, hahahaha) Hay hirap ng buhay oo! Goodluck to me!

My wake-up call at 30

It was a saturday morning, no work,no early morning rush, (yes!)i can stay in bed for a couple more hours sleeping!... That day though i felt weird and wondering what's with me since i just woke up (i usually woke up late morning on weekends, say.. 11:00 AM?) but then i feel dizzy and my body seems so heavy that i felt so lazy to move. The weather outside was too hot, ah! summer.. sometimes i just hate it though some people especially in colder countries wished for hot summer to come soon. I don't know about you but i feel this summer is not an ordinary weather unlike the previous years here in the Philippines. Being exposed under the sun these days for just seconds make you feel dehydrated and uncomfortable, the sun is literally too hot to handle! Even in the news, health pros are talking about precautions regarding the effects of hot summer especially heat strokes, dehydration and high blood pressure etc... Well perhaps i can relate?, it seems to me that what i feel last time was not a different case at all in relation to this weather phenomenon.

Better safe than sorry, i decided to see my doctor and well to my surprise my blood pressure was too high at 150/90! Probably the culprit of my headaches and dizziness for the past days. Right then i realize that HB(high blood) really don't choose between young or old now a days, to severe the situation after i got my laboratory exam the next day and have my doctor read the results of my Laboratory exams, it seems that my blood sugar also shoots up a bit! Darn! Is 30 (yes i am!) really that old and sickly??? *sigh* I was really worried and think of things deeply (oh well i'm scared to die! not yet! *lol*) Well, at least my Doc says i was still in the borderline "but" this time with extra care and precaution and watch my diet!!! (wahh... fav' ko pa naman "halo-halo" lalo na tag-init!) Well, yes, it did really make me think and decide to say goodbye and cut to sweets(huhuhu..) and high blood producing foods(hay naku!). I just started with my wheat bread diet *again* and my exercise routine. I hope and pray that this crusade of mine will prosper.(ha! wish ko lang!).

For those who might stumble in here and end up reading this,i hope you learn from it...Prevention is Better than Cure, better safe than sorry...

Is there any way to delete unused or duplicate music files???

Greetings everyone! (Sorry guys had to repost this to get answers, i must have posted it the wrong way yesterday) I need help on how to delete my unused/duplicate music files. I can't seem to figure out on how's it possible for me to take this action. I have so many duplicate files from previous uploads, since i just recently figured out on how to rename my music file the way i wanted them to display in my page, i had to re-upload the newly renamed files and now i got so many hidden duplicate music files that were unused and somewhat annoyed me when uploading new music not to mention that it's taking up space for storage purposes. I am not sure if this issue may have been brought up before but anyone who can give me a link to redirect me or a reply to this post is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance for your help!!!!

Lay-out Done!

Phew! Done at last! It's my first time using CSS and i must admit, i was like walking in the dark at first! Anyhow after several days of disappointments, hopes, failures, whining, groaning, cursing(sometimes), digruntled, etc.., i finally beat myself! Thought i will end up deleting my account cuz i can't even edit my homepage but well... i'm getting along good with CSS now! (i think "it" likes me!) yay!

I may not be good at designing my own theme with good graphics yet but i'll get into that! (i guess! *lol*). At least a layout with colors is not that bad eh!? Oh, for heaven's sake, i'm just trying to contemplate my self here! Forgive me pipol!

I think i'm having a Kim Jeong Hoon fever! ;-P

K-actor/singer who portray as (2nd Prince) Yul in k-drama Goong (Princess Hours) make me post guy pics in my blog! I think i'm starstrucked! (no, i don't drool!) *lol* Ya know why? Well, this Hoonie got all it takes to be a certified heartrob, an "it guy" any girl could go crazy about (i've read a lot of write-ups over the net!..). He's got the voice, the the looks and the killer smile (OMG! do i have a soft spot with korean looking guys!? nah .. just him! maybe..). According to sources, he's smart, (my kind of guy! haha-does he speak fluent english perhaps?) and down-to-earth kind for a celebrity (must be really nice to chat with him!). A dentistry drop out student turned to acting, well i wonder how's it gonna be if he pursue dentistry, a hottie-hot-hot as him, probably the clinic is always full but i don't mind to be the last in line! hehe...